Dr. Emily Johnson, the Director of Psychological Services, recently participated in NPR’s Here & Now podcast to delve into the emotional toll that miscarriages can have on individuals and couples. You can listen to the full interview here.
Host:
“In recent years, public figures like Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg have opened up about their own experiences with miscarriage, prompting a shift in societal attitudes towards this common yet often stigmatized issue. It’s estimated that one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage, an emotional experience that was long shrouded in silence. In the past, couples often faced insensitive remarks such as ‘you can always try again’ or were told that ‘everything happens for a reason.’ However, since the 1980s, there has been a growing recognition of the need for support and acknowledgment of loss. Yet, many people remain unaware of the options available to them, particularly men, who often feel overlooked. Dr. Johnson, you’ve mentioned that men are often the ‘forgotten mourners’ during these difficult times. Can you elaborate?”
Dr. Johnson:
“When a miscarriage occurs, the focus is usually on the mother and her experience. The societal expectation often places men in a protective role, where they feel they must prioritize their partner’s feelings and well-being above their own.”
Host:
“Psychologist Dr. Richard Lee from the University of Michigan emphasizes that men may fear showing their own grief, fearing it might further burden their partner.”
Dr. Johnson:
“Absolutely. Men often suppress their feelings, believing that they need to be the strong ones, while their partners may actually be longing for them to share their grief. It’s important for both partners to express their emotions.”
Host:
“There seems to be a troubling tendency to minimize losses depending on how far along the pregnancy was. What insights can you provide regarding this?”
Dr. Johnson:
“A miscarriage is defined as the loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks. The misunderstanding of these terms can be hurtful, especially for those who have experienced stillbirth, as it can feel like their grief is being invalidated. Grief can occur at any stage and should be respected.”
Host:
“Indeed, it’s not uncommon for people to say, ‘At least you didn’t get too attached,’ which can be incredibly dismissive.”
Dr. Johnson:
“Research shows that the grief from a miscarriage can be just as intense as that experienced after a birth. I’ve worked with couples who have faced multiple miscarriages. One woman, after nine losses, chose to commemorate each baby with a necklace featuring nine beads, symbolizing each child she lost.”
Host:
“It sounds like societal attitudes toward mourning have changed over time, but not enough. What do you see as critical for supporting grieving parents?”
Dr. Johnson:
“The lack of acknowledgment for pregnancy loss in our culture is striking. We often don’t provide the same support for miscarriage as we do for other losses. There’s a need for socially acceptable methods of grief expression, such as cards or memorials.”
Host:
“What kind of coping strategies do you suggest?”
Dr. Johnson:
“Creating tangible reminders can help. Writing a goodbye letter to the baby, sharing hopes and dreams, and then performing a symbolic act—like releasing the letter into a river—can provide closure. Other methods include creating memory boxes to hold keepsakes like sonograms or mementos.”
Host:
“That makes a lot of sense. It’s often difficult for couples to navigate their differing grief processes.”
Dr. Johnson:
“Indeed, understanding that men and women may process their grief differently—shaped by their unique backgrounds and experiences—is crucial. It’s important to foster open communication between partners.”
Host:
“Given the challenges surrounding the secrecy of early pregnancy, where do you stand on the traditional practice of waiting until the first trimester ends to share the news?”
In summary, the discussion highlights the profound emotional impact of miscarriage and the unique ways men and women may cope with their grief. Dr. Johnson emphasizes the importance of support and acknowledgment for both partners in navigating the complexities of loss. For more insights on related topics, you can explore resources on home insemination or check out Make a Mom for expert advice. Additionally, Healthline offers valuable information on pregnancy and fertility treatments.