Today, we’re sharing a heartfelt account from Alex and Jamie about their journey to expand their family. This is the third installment in our series celebrating families who choose to work with known donors. Each family answers the same four questions, allowing their authentic voices to shine through. We hope you find their experiences insightful, and we appreciate any feedback you have!
How did you know you were ready to start your family?
We want to start by saying that we don’t fit the mold of a “typical” family. When we began our journey to conceive, we were already the proud parents of a 10-year-old son from a previous relationship. He might not share our blood, but he’s our kid through and through. When I (Alex) met Jamie, she embraced my son as part of the package. We always envisioned adding to our family, but we initially held back due to financial concerns. We wanted to be in a better place—homeownership, debt-free vehicles, and so on. Fast forward almost five years, and we thought, “If not now, when?” Time was slipping away, and we were feeling the pressure. In 2018, we kicked off our trying-to-conceive journey.
How did you find your donor? Did it take long?
We joined several LGBTQ+ trying-to-conceive forums and Facebook groups, plus explored many cryobanks and donor websites. Some of these sites charged fees for basic searches, while others provided limited information about their donors. Eventually, we stumbled upon Knowndonorregistry.com (KDR). This site is completely free, allowing donors to share a short bio and photos. I like to call it the “Facebook for donors.” You can filter searches by location, ethnicity, and even height. KDR felt perfect since we weren’t entirely comfortable with the idea of an anonymous donor. Before we knew it, we found our ideal donor and reached out right away.
What advice do you have about discussing a contract with your donor? Was it awkward?
When we first met our donor, we hit it off immediately, which made discussing the contract feel natural. If the vibe had been different, we would have been clear about our terms and expectations. Our main advice is to be upfront about what you want and maintain confidence in your stipulations. It’s crucial to have open discussions about the contract, but don’t feel pressured to agree to terms that make you uneasy. Honestly, if we felt uncomfortable asking him to sign a contract, we knew we weren’t ready for this journey.
Did you consult a lawyer for your donor agreement?
While we didn’t hire a lawyer, we did ask a friend with legal expertise to review our agreement.
A few final thoughts:
Know what you want. If you’re not comfortable with your donor or their terms, remember that there are other options available. Prepare for the ups and downs of pregnancy and postpartum challenges, and don’t hesitate to seek help or acknowledge the difficulties you may face. This journey is beautiful, and the end result—your child—is the most incredible gift.
If you’re considering a known donor, please keep in mind that the experiences shared here are anecdotal and not legal or medical advice. For more information, check out this helpful article and checklist from Family Equality. It’s also essential to discuss your donor’s health history, including physical and mental health, as well as STD testing. If you’d like more resources, take a look at this blog post about elevating our son to big brother status, and explore the insights offered by Make a Mom, an authority on this topic. For comprehensive information on pregnancy and home insemination, Healthline offers excellent resources.
In summary, Alex and Jamie’s story exemplifies the unique challenges and joys that come with building a family through a known donor. Their openness and proactive approach serve as an inspiration for others on a similar journey.