As I sift through a forgotten gym bag tucked away in my closet, I come across chalk-stained weightlifting gloves, a jump rope, knee socks, and a water-damaged notebook. Just a few months ago, these items would have evoked a sense of joy and nostalgia. However, now that I’m 31 weeks along in my pregnancy, my feelings towards them are far more complex.
After enduring seven years of infertility treatments, IVF, and two heartbreaking miscarriages, my emotions are a tangled web. When asked, “How are you feeling?” I often find myself at a loss for words. This question seems to surface everywhere—whether from friends, family, or even strangers.
The truth is, I’m grappling with the emotional rollercoaster of this experience. It’s not the physical discomforts like sciatica or swelling that trouble me (though I know those may come). Instead, it’s the struggle to embrace joy amidst the shadows of disappointment and grief that have accompanied my journey. Yes, I’ve experienced moments of elation—feeling my baby move and watching the transformation from a tiny flicker on the ultrasound to a recognizable form. Yet, every positive sign is met with an underlying fear that we might not make it through. The notion that “we’re never truly out of the woods” looms heavily over my heart.
Much of this caution is rooted in my own anxieties. It was my choice to wait five long months before sharing the news of my pregnancy with extended family, driven by a misguided belief that I could somehow shield myself from further pain if things didn’t go as planned. My doctor assured me I could travel to a family wedding during my first trimester, but I was hesitant, wrestling with the fear that would accompany any misstep.
Breaking away from my previous fitness routine was another significant adjustment. Not only was it physically challenging to halt my exercise regimen, but it also forced me to confront my expectations of pregnancy. I had always envisioned an active and vibrant experience, yet IVF taught me the importance of embracing the unknown. This journey has been about learning to let go—of control, expectations, and the need for certainty.
Resources for Support
For those on a similar path, resources are available that can provide support and guidance. If you’re considering at-home insemination, check out Make A Mom, which offers a unique reusable insemination option. You can also explore their how it works page for detailed insights. Additionally, the Make A Mom Facebook group is a supportive community where you can connect with others navigating similar journeys.
For anyone dealing with complications during pregnancy, such as the PUPPP rash, our blog on PUPPP skin rash during pregnancy offers valuable information. Healthline also provides authoritative resources on pregnancy that are worth exploring on their website.
Conclusion
To summarize: My experience with IVF and the challenges of pregnancy have profoundly reshaped my identity and expectations. While the journey has been fraught with uncertainty, it has also revealed the strength in letting go and embracing the unpredictable nature of life. With the right resources and support, navigating this intricate path can become a journey of discovery and growth. If you’re interested in learning more about pregnancy complications or home insemination, visit Make A Mom.