“Infertility is challenging, but facing infertility after cancer can be even more daunting. There are unique obstacles to navigate. Fellow Cervivor sisters, I don’t share this to dishearten you! Our path to parenthood was filled with trials, yet it was entirely worth it. By sharing my story, I hope to prepare you for what lies ahead. The journey of infertility can feel like a rollercoaster, and for my family, it turned out to be an even bumpier ride than anticipated.
Shortly after completing cancer treatment, one of my closest friends offered to be a surrogate for us. At the time, I was still in school, and my partner and I weren’t married yet, but the timing was right for her, and we felt ready. We had already created embryos together, so we thought, why not? I knew this process wouldn’t be straightforward, but I never expected to face hurdles such as needing approval from the hospital’s ethics board before using our own embryos. Surprisingly, the facility where our embryos were stored had concerns about my life expectancy, given that it had been less than five years since my treatment, and the fact that I wasn’t married at the time. It was bewildering because, without my cancer history, I could have conceived without any formalities. After several meetings with their licensed therapist and jumping through various hoops, we finally received approval to move forward.
My friend attempted to carry our frozen embryos not once, but twice, for which we are eternally grateful; however, we faced disappointment when neither attempt was successful. This led me to explore adoption.
As I delved into adoption research, I encountered significant discouragement. Each country, along with the respective agencies, has its own regulations about who can adopt, including health restrictions for prospective parents. I discovered that rules could change, such as China’s previous policy allowing cancer survivors to adopt after a five-year wait, which was reversed in 2007. The complexities of adoption laws, coupled with the requirement in many states for married couples to be married for a certain period before starting the adoption process, left us uncertain about our next steps.
We didn’t want to wait five years to adopt, so we turned our attention back to surrogacy. Just days before my wedding in 2010, I learned that my Anti-Mullerian Hormone (AMH) levels indicated I didn’t have enough viable eggs for the clinic to consider harvesting. I was devastated, but my partner remained supportive, and we held onto hope for our future family. While I wouldn’t be able to carry a biological child, we considered adoption or surrogacy with donor eggs down the line.
After moving to my hometown post-marriage, we felt a void. Although we were open to adoption, the five-year wait loomed ahead. I began researching surrogacy with donor eggs and discovered the distinction between traditional and gestational surrogacy. Traditional surrogacy involves the surrogate donating her own egg, while gestational surrogacy uses either the intended mother’s egg or a donor’s, with IVF being necessary.
Traditional surrogacy seemed appealing since it eliminated the need for an egg donor. I created a profile on a website dedicated to surrogacy discussions, and within minutes, I received a friend request from a potential surrogate. We quickly developed a rapport, sharing our stories and motivations. I disclosed my cancer history and confirmed that it hadn’t yet been five years since my treatment, but my gynecologic oncologist was willing to write a letter affirming my near-normal life expectancy.
After weighing our options, we opted for a domestic adoption agency. After completing our home study, which was possible without waiting the full five years, our agency set up an online profile for us. We eagerly tracked views on our profile daily. A couple of months later, we were matched with a birth mother. Although we were grateful to meet her, our joy turned to heartbreak when we lost our baby girl during delivery due to a rare condition called Vasa Previa. As a nurse practitioner, I had never encountered this before, and it left me devastated.
We considered giving up, questioning whether we were meant to be parents. However, our traditional surrogate offered to try again, and we decided to pursue one last attempt. With our established relationship and contracts, the only expenses were travel-related. This time, fortune smiled upon us, and nine months later, we welcomed our resilient son into the world!
For a long time, we thought he might be our only child, which we would have been content with given our experiences. However, he began expressing a desire for a sibling, often pointing out the empty chair at our table or mentioning the vacant bed when we traveled. After much reflection, my partner and I realized he was right—something was indeed missing.
Our wonderful surrogate was willing to try again, but we hesitated due to past fears and obstacles. One day, after dropping my son off at school, I sought clarity at the beach, where we had first connected online. That day, a beautiful rainbow appeared, which I took as a sign to move forward. We couldn’t let fear hold us back any longer; we had to at least try again.
Our first attempt resulted in the birth of our daughter on March 5th. Although I didn’t carry her, I was honored to help deliver her, just as I had with my son. We are now a complete family of four. Carter, my partner, and I couldn’t be happier, and our surrogate’s family is thriving as well. Carter has already embraced his role as a big brother to baby Caroline!
None of this journey was easy, nor was it part of my initial plan. Yet, I would relive it all to have my children. They are my world, and I am living my happily ever after. I am deeply grateful for the women who helped me become the mother I always dreamed of being, and I cherish the miracles that surrogacy, egg donation, and adoption brought into my life.
If you’re facing cancer or infertility and would like to connect, please reach out. I may not have the answers, but I’m here to help you explore your options. Whether it’s surrogacy or adoption, or if you have your own aspirations, don’t lose hope. Remember, FAITH > FEAR.
For those interested in sperm donation, consider joining the MakeAmom Facebook group for support and resources. If you’re looking for at-home insemination options, check out MakeAmom’s offerings, including their how it works guide. For more insights about cryobanks in family planning, read our blog post here. Additionally, learn about intrauterine insemination (IUI) through Cleveland Clinic’s resources. For those considering at-home insemination, visit this resource for valuable information.
To Summarize:
The journey through infertility is challenging, especially for cancer survivors. With the right support and resources, including surrogacy and adoption, dreams of parenthood can still become a reality. Always keep faith and seek community support as you navigate your path.