A few weeks ago, I received a message from a woman I only know online. The subject line read, “I feel like an unfit mom.” Alarmed, I opened it immediately and began to read.
Her message included sentiments like: “I adore my kids, but I sometimes struggle to like them. I feel overwhelmed. My husband and I hardly connect anymore. I attempt to instill values in my kids, and while they behave well in public, they are chaotic at home. They lack manners and often tell me I’m the worst mom ever. I’ve tried every method to improve their behavior, yet nothing seems to work. I feel like I’m failing them and that they deserve a better mother and my husband deserves a better partner. I worry I’ve ruined them for life.”
Oh wow. Is that really all?
If those thoughts make you unfit, then we are all in the same boat! Truly, every mother has felt that way at some point.
I can’t be the only one who has exclaimed, “You wouldn’t speak to your teacher like that! I’m your mother! I care for you! You can’t talk to me this way! You know better!” When I was a teacher, I had countless conferences where parents would respond, “You should see how they act at home!” or “Are we talking about the same child?”
We all share the same desire: we want our children to grow into kind, responsible, and compassionate adults. When they reflect these qualities, parenting feels rewarding, and we gain a sense of accomplishment.
Every parent takes pride in what they create. As children, when we work hard on a drawing, we can’t wait to show it off. As students, we strive for high grades. In the workplace, we seek praise for our efforts. The most significant creation, however, is a child—especially for mothers, as you carried them within you. When they are born, they are perfect—innocent and beautiful. But then the real work begins. The effort of nurturing and guiding them is what truly tests us.
Once your child is born, it’s time to teach them. This process can be challenging and exhausting. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you may not be getting it right. The longer you instill the wrong lessons, the harder it can be to correct them.
I often post joyful pictures of my kids on social media—moments when they are doing what I hope they would do, like cooking or reading together. Why? Because it feels good when they succeed, and it makes me proud of my efforts. It’s reminiscent of a child showing off their artwork with immense pride, asking, “Do you like it, Mommy?”
When you put in hard work and see positive results, you want to share those moments, especially since they may only represent a fraction of your reality. For many of us, the chaotic moments often outweigh the good ones. There are days when parenting can feel like an uphill battle.
Recently, while on vacation, we faced a day of complete chaos as we prepared to go to the beach. Each child had a meltdown—one got sunscreen in her eyes, another couldn’t find his ball, and the littlest one had her finger trapped in the door. The noise was overwhelming, and I’m sure our neighbors were contemplating calling for help. It was a far cry from a perfect family moment on social media.
My children understand right from wrong. They know that hitting is unacceptable. Some days, they follow the rules, and I feel like I’m doing everything correctly. Other times, like during that vacation debacle, I have my doubts.
It’s natural for kids to test boundaries. Those moments are when you just have to hold on and ride the wave until things settle. Eventually, you’ll find your footing again, and you can try a new approach. It might be soon, or it may take a while. Remember, your kids are not irreparably damaged, and you are not an unfit mother.
Perfection isn’t the goal. Sometimes, just keeping everyone safe and alive is achievement enough. That reality doesn’t make you an unfit mom—it makes you a normal one.
If you’re interested in learning more about parenting challenges, you might find this blog post helpful. Also, for those exploring family-building options, check out this resource. And for further information on treating infertility, this site is an excellent resource.
Summary:
Every mother faces challenges and moments of doubt, but you are not alone in feeling overwhelmed. The goal of parenting isn’t perfection; it’s about keeping everyone safe and navigating through the chaos. Remember that your kids are not doomed for life, and you are doing your best.