As my little one, Lily, shyly nestled her face into my shoulder while we met her grandparents for the first time in six months, I sensed the tension in the room. They had been eagerly awaiting this reunion, but for Lily, comfort was in short supply. With smiles on their faces, they reached out for her, and I felt her grip tighten around me. I leaned in, battling the desire to pass her into their waiting arms, but I hesitated. Even the awkward “group hug” that ensued felt like a breach of her personal space. I couldn’t shake the guilt that I was somehow letting down her grandparents, who had traveled for nearly 12 hours just to see us. What if she never wanted to hug them? Wouldn’t that break their hearts?
Despite the pressure to comply, my partner and I have committed to never forcing our children to hug or kiss anyone, including us, when they don’t want to. When I observe Lily withholding affection from her dad after a long day at work, it stings. She often showers me with hugs and kisses, but there are days when she flatly refuses to reciprocate with him. While it pains me, we respect her choice.
Growing up in the Midwest during the 1980s, I was ingrained with the values of politeness and the importance of making others comfortable. I learned to prioritize other people’s feelings and to be the “good girl.” While I still believe in kindness and compassion, I also recognize that pressuring children to use their bodies to please others can be harmful.
Teaching children to choose who they hug empowers them to take control of their own bodies, rather than prioritizing someone else’s feelings over their own comfort and safety. As highlighted in the Parenting Safe Children workshop, allowing kids to set boundaries around physical affection is crucial for helping to protect them from potential abuse.
This might sound extreme, but the subtle messages we send can have significant consequences. A young girl worried about hurting a cousin’s feelings by denying him a cuddle, or a boy allowing unwanted tickles from a teenage girl, sets the stage for future vulnerabilities. Yes, it’s important to graciously accept gifts we don’t want, but we should never compromise our own comfort for someone else’s satisfaction.
Moreover, the benefits of teaching our children to refuse unwanted affection extend beyond immediate safety. By instilling these values, we empower our daughters to assert their desires and boundaries in relationships, helping them avoid situations where they might feel pressured to engage in intimacy before they are ready. This mindset can lead to healthier future relationships and a stronger sense of self-worth.
By encouraging our children to assert their right to refuse affection, we can help them develop healthier relationships and set an example for their own children in the future. While it may disappoint Grandma and Grandpa, they’ll learn to appreciate a wave, a high-five, or even an air-kiss for the greater good of their grandchildren. Who knows? Perhaps next time, Lily will run into their arms—on her own terms.
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Summary:
Empowering children to choose when and with whom to share physical affection is essential for their emotional development and safety. By allowing them to set boundaries, we help them navigate their own comfort and build healthier relationships in the future. This approach may disappoint some family members, but it ultimately serves the greater good of our children’s wellbeing.