This piece is dedicated to my dear friends, Sam and Alex. Sam has graciously offered me a platform to share my thoughts, just as others have inspired me through their own parenting journeys.
Alex was my grandfather, a quintessential worrywart. I often wonder if my own children will someday feel the same way about me. Here’s a glimpse into Alex’s mindset: During my third year of medical school in Manhattan, I was abruptly awoken at 4 a.m. by a call from him. He had been listening to the news and heard about a ferry accident, concerned I might be involved.
As my children were born, I started to understand Alex’s perspective; parenting can be nerve-wracking. The world is filled with potential dangers, and it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. Now that my kids are adults, I decided to reflect on my parenting style and reached out to them to see if they remembered any of my quirky rules. What ensued was a wave of laughter (and a bit of teasing) that they fondly refer to as the “Collins’ Rules of Order.”
1. The “5 Chip Limit” Rule
This might be my most notorious rule. At Mexican restaurants or taco nights, each child was limited to five tortilla chips before dinner. I worried they might fill up too soon. Looking back, maybe a limit of ten wouldn’t have hurt!
2. The “4-Minute Hot Tub” Rule
Concerned about the effects of heat on male fertility, I enforced a strict four-minute limit in the hot tub. Our boys would pop in and out like whac-a-moles, while my daughter followed suit, just to keep things fair.
3. The “Laptops Aren’t for Your Lap” Rule
I once read about potential risks of using laptops on laps, so I made sure our devices were always used on desks.
4. The “3 Foot Monitor” Rule
Just like when we were kids, I believed in keeping a safe distance from screens. We arranged our children’s computer workspaces so they had to sit at least three feet away from the monitor.
5. The “Cell Phone Headset” Rule
I often sent articles warning about the risks of cell phones to my kids, insisting they use headsets to avoid potential brain issues.
6. The “Wires Over Wireless” Rule
While others embraced wireless technology, we opted for hardwired connections, convinced it was safer from radiation.
7. The “Volvo” Rule
Safety first! Our kids drove old Volvos, known for their durability and safety features.
8. The “8-Hour Sleep” Rule
If our children didn’t get at least eight hours of sleep, they weren’t allowed to drive.
9. The “Leave Early” Rule
They had to leave 40 minutes before school, ensuring they wouldn’t speed.
10. The “Family Dinner” Rule
Family meals were mandatory, even if it meant missing out on friends.
11. The “Weed Killer” Rule
I have an aversion to pesticides, believing they could harm our children, so we opted for manual weed removal instead.
12. The “2½ Hour Airport Rule”
We always arrived at the airport well ahead of time, a habit that proved beneficial on more than one occasion.
These regulations, now a source of amusement for my kids, were at times met with resistance. Yet, occasionally, I found out that friends would ask, “WWHD?” (What Would Jamie Do?) when navigating their own parenting dilemmas.
I hope my children continue to embrace some of these principles as they raise their own families. Who knows, they may even share similar wisdom with their kids someday, especially if they receive a late-night call from me about potential ferry mishaps.
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In summary, parenting can be full of rules and regulations that may seem excessive at times, but they often come from a place of love and concern. As children grow, they may reflect on these rules with laughter, but they also carry valuable lessons into adulthood.