Parenting
Adopting an Older Child
Our journey to bring our daughter home began eleven months ago when we welcomed her from the foster care system at the age of nine. The first meeting took place in the administrative office of the group home where she had spent the last six months. Even before I laid eyes on her, I felt an overwhelming love. We had dedicated six months to the adoption process, navigating mountains of paperwork, home study updates, background checks, and the convoluted regulations involving two states and multiple agencies. We were selected to be her parents in November, yet we didn’t meet her until May. The anticipation was so intense that I ground down two of my teeth in my sleep out of anxiety. She was already my daughter in every way that mattered, even before she was aware of our existence.
In her early years, she endured abuse, neglect, poverty, and abandonment. Following that, she experienced five years of instability within the foster care system. At the time we were chosen to adopt her, she was residing in a children’s psychiatric hospital, where she celebrated both her ninth birthday and Thanksgiving. When she came to us, she carried a diagnosis of ADHD, ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), anxiety, and depression. We were fully aware that parenting her would be challenging, but we believed in her potential to heal.
She has made significant strides since then. Initially, she would become overwhelmed even when asked to choose between a turkey or ham sandwich; this simple decision-making forced her to confront her feelings, which she resisted. Talking about her past was off-limits, and she only acknowledged emotions of happiness or anger—her anger was intense. She could spend an hour in her closet, screaming as if she were in a horror movie. We sought help from two different mental health agencies, but neither understood trauma and attachment effectively. One therapist exacerbated her struggles, while the other suggested we stop after five months of silence during sessions.
Diving into therapeutic parenting and attachment disorders, I connected with a network of mothers facing similar challenges through blogs. I began to articulate her feelings for her and shared stories of other children with “hurt parts” like hers. Phrases like, “Stop, take a deep breath and relax” and “You’re safe, you’re loved, you can handle this” became part of our daily language. My husband and I reassured her that we were available to listen whenever she felt ready to share, but we wouldn’t push her to reveal her memories or emotions. Gradually, she began to open up in small ways. One day, while driving, she asked, “How long do you think my kids will get to live with me?” At just nine years old, she was terrified of being a bad mom and losing her children, convinced that history would repeat itself.
As she worked through her past, her behavioral challenges intensified. She struggled with feelings she had buried for so long, leading to meltdowns characterized by screaming and flailing. Defiance, disrespect, and destruction became more frequent. The key difference, however, was that she could now often articulate the root of her emotions, moving beyond “You’re mean to me!” to express deeper feelings.
During our first Easter together, we faced a series of intense meltdowns. Highlights included her stabbing herself with a pencil, kicking me, and screaming until she was physically ill. She revealed her fear of being abandoned, convinced we would “get rid” of her like everyone else had. Each holiday brought the threat of rejection, and she believed her worst behavior would hasten her departure. Despite the chaos, our adoption was finalized, and we were now a forever family—a concept she struggled to fully embrace, having experienced abandonment from her biological parents.
On Easter morning, she awoke to find herself still at home with us. She realized that despite her behavior, we loved her, forgave her, and continued to care for her. The day unfolded with breakfast, clean clothes, and even presents from the Easter Bunny! She spent the day showering us with hugs and love notes, proudly noting that she hadn’t had any meltdowns.
This past year has taught me how swiftly children evolve and how quickly time passes. I consider it a privilege to be her mother and to witness her gradual journey toward trust and love. My husband and I are committed to providing the safety she needs to process her past and the accompanying emotions. Although helping her heal can be exhausting and overwhelming, the progress is incredible to observe. I believe she will be okay. My daughter is on the path to becoming healthy, happy, strong, and healed.
This journey is not just about her healing; it is also about my growth as a mother.
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Summary:
Adopting an older child involves navigating complex emotions and behavioral challenges. This article shares a heartfelt account of one family’s journey to embrace their daughter, who has faced significant trauma. By fostering an environment of love, understanding, and safety, they are helping her heal and grow into a confident, happy child.