Dear Creator of Family Stick Figure Car Decals,
At any given traffic light, I often find myself subjected to the cringe-worthy details of the driver in front of me. Thanks to your misguided invention, I now know that this individual spends summers in the Hamptons, adores her Golden Retriever, has a child who’s on the honor roll at Maple Leaf Academy, and—let’s not forget—has a spouse who graduated from Yale. How charming!
Thanks to your decals, I can further elaborate: Her name is Tiffany, her husband is named Brad IV, her son’s name is Brad V, and the dog is named Max. Tiffany loves to bake, Brad V plays soccer, and Brad IV seems to think a briefcase is a fashion statement. Oh, and look at that—there’s another little one on the way, and it’s a boy!
Please, for the love of all that’s holy, stop cluttering our roads with these ridiculous stickers. We all know what I mean, so rather than debating the ideal placement (bottom left of the back window, of course), let’s put an end to this childish trend. It has persisted for far too long, preying on exhausted parents who’ve relinquished all semblance of rational thinking.
It’s not just annoying; it’s potentially dangerous. Yes, I said dangerous. This is a sociopath’s dream come true. “Hey, stranger in the car behind me! My name is Sarah, I’m a divorced mom who enjoys sipping wine while my son, Ethan, plays video games. Follow me home and wreak havoc on our lives—don’t worry about our nonexistent guard dog, because as you can see, we only have a pet hamster named Biscuit!”
This is reckless behavior, but I understand: the market is saturated with junk, and you found your niche. Kudos for cornering the mom-mobile market—Bravo! I sincerely hope you’ve amassed a fortune from this product and are toasting your success on a sun-soaked beach somewhere, because it would be infuriating to think this is merely a hobby with proceeds going to an animal charity in some obscure town.
A car is meant to symbolize adulthood. After tying the knot and expanding the family, the last thing anyone wants is to succumb to the minivan stereotype. Do you really think women want to be defined by their reproductive history through stick figures? We already know what’s inside: a frazzled parent in sweatpants, who likely hasn’t showered in days. With car seats, discarded snack wrappers, and an animated film blaring in the background, it’s a mobile chaos machine. Why would anyone want to advertise that?
Speaking of chaos, I can’t help but wonder if you have any connections with similar atrocities like Truck Nutz or Car Teeth? The creators of those monstrosities seem like your kind of crowd! And lastly, I must ask: are you a man or a woman? If you’re a man, is this some sort of inside joke? And if you’re a woman, have you lost your mind?
So whoever you are, let me just say that while I might envy your bank account, I absolutely detest your creation. You have done a disservice to our society; you rank right up there with endless soda refills and jeggings.
Take your Stick Figures and find a more suitable place for them.
Sincerely,
Emily Carter
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Summary
This letter humorously critiques the absurdity of stick figure family car decals, emphasizing their potential dangers and the unnecessary display of personal information. The author expresses disdain for the trend while questioning societal norms related to parenting and car culture.