Dear Shapewear,
We had a mutual understanding, and you’re not living up to your end of the deal. You’ve been my trusted companion for smoothing, shaping, and holding everything in place.
I realize I’ve gained a few pounds, but let’s be honest—you’re designed with stretch. A couple of extra slices of pizza and chocolate should not be a deal-breaker for you. I mean, your whole purpose is to help those of us who aren’t gym rats to look a bit more… streamlined. I bought you in my size, back when I was that size, and now I find myself just slightly over it. A mere 10 pounds—okay, fine, let’s call it the freshman 15—shouldn’t spell disaster, but here we are.
1. The Communion Dress Disaster
Remember that lovely day at my daughter’s communion? I had that stunning dress, but yes, I also had gained a few (okay, a lot, thanks Sanibel vacation) pounds. So, I opted for the budget-friendly all-in-one dress option—Spanx’s less expensive sister. Well, let’s just say the photos tell a different story. You failed miserably at your job. I looked like I was five months pregnant.
2. The Church Incident
Then there was that mortifying moment at church when you rolled up like a window shade! I was sitting there, minding my own business, when your Lycra decided to abandon ship and creep up my legs, settling right around my rear. There I was, desperately trying to adjust you under my dress in a pew, and I’m pretty sure everyone around thought I was up to no good. Thanks for that, you really added excitement to the service.
3. The Jumpsuit Struggle
And how could I forget the time I wore that chic black jumpsuit to my kids’ fundraiser? Sure, I looked fabulous, but when nature called, I found myself trapped in the shapewear. Picture me struggling in a bathroom stall, wrestling with the all-in-one jumpsuit. The bottom shapewear was up around my chest and getting it down was a workout of its own. Did I mention some poor lady next door was having an emergency? Yeah, that was a blast.
4. The Closet Conundrum
Then there was the day I got stuck in my shapewear tank top after a long, exhausting day. I was in my closet, wrestling with the stubborn top that was clinging to my curves like a starved animal. At one point, I seriously considered scissors. After a mini panic attack, I finally managed to free myself, but not before discovering the true meaning of claustrophobia.
5. The Final Straw
The last straw? The other night, I had to ask my husband to help me out of my shapewear top because I was genuinely trapped and freaking out. Talk about ruining the sexy vibe I’ve cultivated over the last 14 years. He already had his doubts, but this just confirmed them.
So, thank you, shapewear, Assets, or whatever you choose to call yourself. You’ve brought me embarrassment, panic, and bathroom chaos that I won’t easily forget. If I could just shed 20 pounds, I would gladly kick you to the curb.
P.S. I know that going up a size would solve my problems, but I’m not spending another dime on you. After all, I plan on being back to my size soon enough.
Thanks for being so terrible at your job.
Sincerely,
Me
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Summary
In this humorous and relatable letter, Jenna expresses her frustrations with shapewear that’s failing to deliver on its promises. From embarrassing moments in public to struggles with bathroom breaks, she highlights the challenges that come with trying to maintain a flattering figure while also dealing with weight fluctuations. Throughout her complaints, Jenna reflects on the reality of body image and the struggles of modern motherhood, all while vowing not to invest further in shapewear.