Many well-meaning individuals acquire pets under the impression that it will prepare them for the challenges of parenthood. I can relate! However, the real issue isn’t that pets can’t offer valuable lessons; it’s often the way people care for their pets that fails to translate to human parenting. Instead of discouraging your dreams, let’s explore how pets can effectively ready you for raising kids.
- Adopt at least a dog and a cat. If you’re thinking of a larger family, consider adding more pets of either kind. This helps mimic the diverse personalities and needs you’d find in children. Extra points if they create a ruckus like “fighting like cats and dogs.”
- Smear a little peanut butter on the cat’s rear (this will come into play later).
- Dress your cat in a diaper.
- Outfit the cat in a onesie, pants, socks, and a hat for the day.
- Take the dog out for a bathroom break, making sure the cat comes along. You can’t leave kids unattended! Your dog insists he doesn’t need to go.
- Time to dress the dog! He also needs a shirt, pants, socks, and shoes.
- Your dog is determined to “do it himself!” Allow him to attempt tying his own shoes.
- Frustration sets in as you try to tie the dog’s shoes. He goes completely still and refuses to wear them. Now you’re late!
- Where’s the cat? You lost track of him while wrestling with the dog!
- The cat has knocked over the fishbowl and is eyeing the fish. Quickly rescue the fish from its paws.
- Your dog is distraught; he witnessed the mishap. He whines for you to fix the goldfish. Replace the dead fish in the bowl, refill the water, and text your partner: “Get a goldfish that looks just like Bubbles. ONLY THAT ONE WILL DO!”
- Clean the cat who is now covered in fish debris (how has that fish survived for three months without fresh water?).
- Oh no, there’s peanut butter smeared everywhere! Keep your composure; you don’t want to traumatize your cat. Smile and clean it off.
- Give the cat a bath.
- Just as you try to bathe the cat, your dog jumps into the tub, fully naked.
- Now, you’re bathing both the cat and the dog.
- Oops, the dog just pooped in the tub!
- Swiftly pull the wet, sudsy pets out of the tub before disaster strikes.
- Grab the fish net, fish out the mess, and flush it while holding a wet, wailing cat.
- Move the cat and dog to a different bathroom to finish bathing.
- Redress both pets. While dressing the dog, the cat has unrolled the entire toilet paper roll and I can’t tell how much he actually ate.
- Both pets are hungry. Prepare an organic bento for the dog while attempting to breastfeed the cat.
- Leave the cleanup for your partner.
- Strap both pets into their car seats and start your beach adventure!
- Alternate between playing “dogs barking Christmas carols” and “cats meowing Disney tunes.”
- Stop by the store for essentials.
- The dog has fallen asleep, while the cat has just thrown up on himself. Clean the cat up and wake the dog; grumpiness ensues.
- Put the cat in the cart. The dog refuses to share space, whining the entire shopping trip.
- At checkout, prevent your dog from snatching candy and keep the cat from knocking items over.
- Pay for the candy the dog managed to eat, and apologize for the cat’s antics.
- Back to the car! Turn on static radio to lull the pets to sleep on the drive.
- Enjoy the static for the entire trip.
- You’ve finally arrived at the beach! Park the car while the pets snooze.
- They’re awake! Load them into the stroller along with your beach gear.
- Apologize for accidentally bumping into a few people with your cooler and umbrella while finding a spot on the sand.
- Apply sunblock to the dog. Remember, you’ll be judged if you leash your child, so let the dog roam free!
- Slather the cat with thick sunblock.
- Take both pets to the water—keep the cat dry and ensure the dog doesn’t drown. The cat will scream if wet; the dog will scream if taken out.
- Time for lunch! Stealthily breastfeed the cat while ensuring the dog eats his healthy veggie wraps.
- The dog finishes first. Keep the dog from begging nearby while you continue feeding the cat.
- The cat is asleep; entertain the dog without waking him.
- The dog needs to go potty. The cat is still asleep. While searching for a restroom, your dog pees on the blanket—quickly cover it with sand!
- The cat wakes up, and it’s time for another dip in the water. Repeat steps 36-38.
- Time to head home! Gather your belongings and repeat step 34.
- The dog wants to walk. Let him out, but be prepared to stop for every little thing along the way.
- Apologize profusely to everyone for your snail’s pace and for bumping into them.
- Strap the pets back into their seats. They’re hungry again; give the dog some cereal puffs and encourage sharing with the cat.
- Arrive home to find your partner waiting! The dog rushes inside—one less child to worry about.
- Get the cat out. The dog has shared his cereal puffs in a rather messy way. Carry your sticky cat inside and leave the mess for your partner to handle.
- You witness your partner gifting the new goldfish to the dog. You try to intervene but it’s too late.
- The dog is distraught; he just saw Bubbles is no longer with us.
- Comfort your dog about his lost goldfish and plan a small funeral. He wants to invite Nanny and Poppy.
- Nanny and Poppy arrive, and within moments, she’s made several passive-aggressive comments about the state of your home and parenting.
- Breathe deeply, trying to suppress your frustration.
- Hold a funeral for the goldfish.
- Your dog insists that Nanny and Poppy stay for dinner following the funeral.
- Hand parenting responsibilities to your spouse and Nanny while you prepare a three-course meal.
- The dog refuses to eat your dinner because Nanny spoiled him with candy.
- During dinner, discreetly breastfeed the cat while trying to eat one-handed.
- Clean up the mess you made on the cat.
- Nanny and Poppy leave sooner than you’d like.
- Start the bedtime routine; it’s bath time for everyone.
- Take a moment for yourself to the bathroom before enjoying a glass of wine in celebration of the guests’ departure.
- Forget the cat used all the toilet paper. Wait on the toilet until your spouse finishes bathing the pets to ask for a new roll.
- Your wet dog brings you a roll of toilet paper.
- The dog comments that your tummy resembles a donut and pretends to munch on it.
- Longing for that glass of wine, you carry your slippery dog upstairs to his room.
- Swap pets with your spouse so the dog can enjoy being read “Goodnight Moon” multiple times.
- Breastfeed the cat in the dim nursery while white noise plays. Resist checking your phone; the cat is indifferent to your boredom.
- After 45 minutes, you finally get the cat to sleep.
- The dog is still awake; attempt to sneak past unnoticed.
- You’ve been caught! Squeeze into the dog’s bed and read “Goodnight Moon” four additional times.
- Leave the dog, sleepy but awake, and close the door. Head downstairs for that wine…
- The dog is thirsty and demands water. Send your spouse to handle it.
- The noise has woken the cat! Put down your wine and repeat step 69.
- Nurse the cat every two hours.
- After the 4 AM feeding, when sleep eludes you but your spouse is peacefully snoring, Google “Sleep training” until the 6 AM feeding.
- Rise at 6 AM to a hungry cat and a dog in distress because he wet the bed.
You’ll repeat steps 1-78 for a decade, with new scenarios and unexpected twists along the way.
For more information on home insemination, check out this informative post on treating infertility, or learn about our artificial insemination kits. Also, if you’re interested in solutions for common pet issues, take a look at our other blog post on snot eliminators.
In summary, while pets can be a delightful and chaotic way to prepare for parenthood, the journey is filled with unexpected challenges and humorous moments that ultimately prepare you for the adventure of raising children.