Scene: Our Family Dinner Table
Daughter: “How do you know if you should marry someone?”
Son: “When you meet the right person, it’s like a spark. You have to nurture that spark until it becomes a flame, and eventually, a bonfire throughout your marriage. And the size of the wick is really important too. A small wick means the spark can fizzle out. Daddy has a huge wick, and that keeps Mommy happy.”
He’s only 10, right?
All jokes about wicks aside (and there are plenty…), this conversation unfolded after we discussed our engagement story at dinner. The kids were captivated by the details of how their dad chose my ring, orchestrated the proposal, and how I said yes.
It dawned on me that our children don’t see “us” the way I do. Their understanding of us is limited to the present moment (think: the mom they mostly see from behind while driving them everywhere and the dad who funds those adventures). They have no idea who we were “B.C.”: Before Children. My son even asked if a Beach Boys song was something I listened to in college, which made it clear they really don’t know me at all (no offense to my Beach Boys-loving friends).
There’s so much they’re unaware of about the B.C. “us.” They don’t know that during our first date in 1995, standing by the ocean, I looked into his striking blue eyes and felt a connection. It was then that I knew my winding path of past relationships had led me to the man I’d be with forever.
They don’t realize that on my 21st birthday, their father took me out to celebrate because my friends—well, let’s just say they were there but not in the most legal of ways. The thought of their father politely asking me to leave the bar would definitely surprise them (that’s our little secret, okay?). And we should definitely not mention the wild housewarming party I hosted in our first apartment…
They weren’t present when I walked down the aisle, witnessing their father tear up and whisper, “You’re beautiful.” They would probably find it funny that we couldn’t stop giggling during the “for richer or poorer” part of our vows because we were starting our life together with just $23 in savings (true story—thankfully, our wedding gifts came in handy!).
They can’t fathom the countless hours we spent sanding, painting, and hammering away to make our first house perfect, bought with every penny we saved from our wedding. My kids don’t know that I can handle a pneumatic nail gun like a pro and my spackling skills are on point.
And they definitely weren’t there to witness the joy and shock when that little stick showed two pink lines—marking the end of just “us.” Over time, we evolved into a “we,” a busy, chaotic, all-consuming “we.”
So many experiences they’ll never know about the B.C. us. Trips to Disney World three times before kids, a two-door car that never had a French fry on the floor, and our real names used regularly by friends we’d see every Friday night without fail. Countless little details that will remain unknown to our children about who we were back then versus who we are now.
In today’s world of parenting, our kids often define us. We become known through their activities, achievements, and experiences. It’s easy to forget our past selves, those wild nights out or spontaneous road trips with friends. It’s easy to overlook that we were here first.
While I don’t need my children to know every single B.C. story (thank goodness, there are some tales they don’t need to hear!), I strive to share bits of that time with them. It helps them understand who I am and how I became the domestic goddess I am today.
In the craziness of raising kids, when each day feels like a repeat of the last, looking into those same blue eyes across the dinner table reminds me of who I once was—and who I still am at heart.
For more reflections on progress and growth, check out this post.
Looking for advice on boosting fertility? Make a Mom has some great resources on supplements that can help. Also, if you’re curious about what to expect with your first IUI, this resource is excellent.
Summary:
The journey of parenthood often overshadows the lives we lived before children. This piece reflects on the memories and experiences that shaped us B.C., reminding us that our identities extend beyond our roles as parents. While navigating the chaos of family life, it’s important to share our stories with our children, helping them understand who we are and how we arrived at this point in our lives.