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- Do You Have a Baby?
By Jenna Robertson
Updated: Aug. 13, 2023
Originally Published: Jan. 13, 2010
Before you start rummaging through the backyard or checking behind the fridge for a baby you might not even have, here’s a simple quiz to help you figure out if you’re the proud parent of an infant.
1. Take a look at your shirt. Which description fits?
- A) It’s pristine, stylish, and freshly ironed; I just put it on today.
- B) It’s a bit wrinkled and could use a wash, but it doesn’t smell terrible and is (mostly) stain-free. It might have a few small holes.
- C) There are five or more stains, mainly on the shoulders; at least three of them aren’t from my own food. I can’t recall when I last wore it, but I know I’ve slept in it for at least two nights.
Answers:
- A: You are definitely not a parent. You seem too polished and well-rested, and I envy you.
- B: You’re not a parent either – it sounds like you might just need to tidy up a bit.
- C: Congratulations! You have a baby!
2. What does dinnertime look like for you?
- A) I jump in the car – there’s a new Italian place about thirty minutes away!
- B) I head to my beautifully organized kitchen, which is fully stocked, and prepare a nutritious meal for my family. We enjoy our meal together at the dining table, away from the TV.
- C) I wander into the kitchen, only to realize there’s no meat thawing in the fridge, and all I have are side dishes. I grab a box of crackers and stand at the counter, thinking about dinner while munching away until I’m not even hungry anymore. Later, around 10 PM, I’ll finish off leftover scraps from others’ plates while loading the dishwasher. I don’t recall the last time I sat down to eat.
Answers:
- A: You do NOT have a baby, unless you’re that couple that brings their baby to restaurants and doesn’t notice the screaming. You likely don’t have older kids either, as they wouldn’t want to try Italian food.
- B: Sorry to say, but you’re fictional. And I’m a bit jealous.
- C: Congrats on being a parent! Or perhaps you just have an eating disorder – sometimes it’s tough to tell.
3. How would you describe the color scheme of your home?
- A) Sleek and modern – I prefer everything to match with a few subtle pops of color.
- B) Cozy and traditional – I like rich colors, high-quality fabrics, and beautiful wood tones.
- C) Chaotic – My home decor combines decent adult furniture with cheap college items, topped off with random knick-knacks that make it look like a rainbow exploded in my living room.
Answers:
- A: You do not have a baby. The only “pops of color” parents see are from ketchup stains when their kids throw food.
- B: You don’t have a baby; once you have kids, the word “expensive” doesn’t apply to your purchases anymore.
- C: You definitely have a baby! Generally, no child-free adult intentionally decorates their space with bright, primary colors.
4. What’s the silliest thing you’ve recently said out loud?
- A) “I believe a multi-party system would benefit our government. Everything in politics is just fine!”
- B) “I bet I can hit the dog from here.”
- C) “Why does my little munchkin have a poopy diaper? Does my sweet baby need a change?”
Answers:
- A: No way you have a baby. Parents rarely have the time or energy for political discussions because they’re too busy managing tantrums.
- B: I can only hope you don’t have a baby. (Note to B’s baby: If you’re reading this, please seek help.)
- C: Congrats! You have a baby! Or perhaps you’re just having a mental lapse; either way, you sound like me talking to my baby five minutes ago.
5. When do you find time for yourself?
- A) I like to wake up early before anyone else to meditate and practice yoga.
- B) While I’m driving – it’s a great time to organize my thoughts or crank up the music!
- C) I lock the bathroom door and indulge in a nice bubble bath.
Answers:
Ha! This question is a trick – none of these individuals have a baby. Once you have kids, “me” time is a thing of the past. No one beats the kids in waking up early, and infants have a magical ability to unlock bathroom doors to interrupt your moments of peace.
I hope this quiz has helped you determine if you indeed have a baby. If you find out you do, let’s hope they show up before you have to contact the authorities! For more parenting tips and to celebrate the joys of parenthood, check out our blog post here.
In summary, parenting often entails a chaotic mix of messiness, silly conversations, and a distinct lack of personal time. But if you’re experiencing these signs, congratulations – you may just be navigating the wonderful world of parenthood. For more insight on home insemination, check out this excellent resource as well as this informative article.